i don noe y but for a particular reason i like school better than home now... i don feel like going home at all now.. the thought of going home nv comes across my mind unless one thing... and that is when i wan to sleep... nothing more than that... school is quite interesting nowadays.. the teachers anre closer to us now and that they are trying their best to let us fit into sec 3s life..

but our biology teacher is very unhappy with our class becoz he can't control the class and the class tend to make alot noise during his prriod... but everything is fine now.. he complain to ms goh and we get a thorough scolding... we even had to write a few reflections becoz of our behaviour.. the reflections have to be 1 page to 2 page long... the size of a foolscape paper.. and no leaving of lines... so it's like.. wah... so difficult to write...

today i went to school to make our class identity.. it was fun.. really fun.. playing around the paint with jeremy and malcolm and shu min too... putting the paint on our faces haha.. in the end i got my skirt all stain with paint and got a bad scolding from my mom... my mom refuse to tok to me for the whole day.. haiz.. no choice wat done is done... we painted the class flag and manage to finish the class id too..we went to wash up.. playing with the water.. spraying it all around... in the end ms goh teased us saying we are childish... i jeremy and malcolm then went for lunch together.. after eating we went home.. it was already late afternoon by then.. i go home and bath after that i went to do my homework.. my internet spoil le!!! cannot use.. so won't be using the net for a period of time i guess.. `haiz... hope it could be repair as soon as possibe...

as for now.. i am at my cousin place.. using the chance to blog.. everyone.. don worry.. i am fine.. i am back to normal..sorr for the past few days attitude and behaviour of cutting myself... just depressed... nothing more... so don worry..

i am perfectly fine and i am back to normal.. alto fo my friends has help me alot when i am in depression.. malcolm, jeremy, shumin, alex and of course soo teck.. they never fail to make me at least smile and laugh when i am in depression.. i guess it is quite surprising though... ilhammi is not in the picture this time round... i guess he is busy with his work and stuff... javen seen him for like 2 weeks i guess.. doesn't matter.. don wanna disturb him though... i wish all the o level student good luck for their result and ya.. hope my cuts on the wrist could heal before monday arrives.. don wan any of my seniors or ilhammi to see it.. haiz.. ok.. everyone.. take care and good night...

signing off <33
Sunday, February 27, 2005

life has been hectic... i dunno... it seems like depression has caught up with me again...

those reading my blog may feel that i'm bull shitting.. i loook so happy on e outside.. but it's all fake.. i have been feeling so stress and moody nowadays... i feel do stressed up.. pds, rod, and marksmenship.. i like to participate in them.. i love all my pds cadet.. i love lots.. and i will nv let anything happen to them.. even if i'm depressed.. i tried my best not to show attitude to tem.. those who know me well should noe.. when i'm in depressed, i can flare up at small matter and u will get e hell out of me.. haiz.. i've been trying my very best to make the pds an enjoying training time but i guess i fail.. i not only add pressure to my dearest cadets i even make them unhappy.. i've tries.. trying to wear a smile on my face.. trying my best not to affect their mood for training and try not to show them attitude.. i have already try my best.. i've really tried my best.. but i still fail.. wat a useless ic i am.. so now i deeply apologize to all my dear cadets.. i'm sorry for being fierce to you all.. i hope u all can understand my hardship.. even if u all can't. it's alright.. i can understand.. so i just want to say sorry alright if i show u all attitude now for the next few days i hope u all can forgive coz i'm not in my best mood... very worried for my god bro.. haiz..

i'm just so worried for ilhammi... he's gone to jaoan again.. without telling.. it's such a long story... he don go to jaoan like u all think to shop and go for a holiday.. he goes there for a purpose and this thing miht end up letting me see him dead.. i don noe anything as he refuse to confide to me but instead he choose to go to japan.. im just so sad... that he leave like this.. i'm just so broken apart.. so broken apart.. depressed + sad + stress... i may end up commiy sucide.. i just so sad and worried for ilhammi... all i hope is for him to safely get back.. i will also give him a warm friendly hug when he gets back.. just kinda miss him... he's just like my own brother.. haiz.. so woriied.. hope he will be alright..

i feel so weak.. after not eating for like days? ya.. skipping my dinner evryday.. i gotta go rest now.. i'm too sad and tired to continue down now.. nope he's fine and everyone of my dearest pds cadet.. take good are fo urself k.. espeially the sec 2s.. ur term test coming up.. so don fall sick k.. take care.. lova ya lots.. good night...

signing off <33
Friday, February 18, 2005

it's have been so long since i've last blog... so much stuff have happen.. valentines' day was alright.. i recieve a gift from ilhammi... e resident evil vcd... i can't get to watch the movie with him so he bought it for me.. thanks alot.. actually i thought he was gonna sent me the wimbledon vcd instead but he didn't.. thats the first movie i watched with him...when i found out its resident evil vcd i was quite disappointed but haha nvm.. i wanted the resident evil cd too... thanks for the gift k.. i hope u like e gift i've given u...

ok thats the end of valentines... now is school... life was sort of stress... i don noe why but i feel so stressed up.. camp is coming up and our stuff was not even prepared or anything... haiz... ms goh just did not help us.. she just treat us like adults and left us.. thinking that we are very independence... although we are but we just don have to time to meet together as a class and settle those things... tml is gonna be the audition.. i feel that we will disappoint alot of teachers and stuff..

haiz.. tml is also our fundraising stuff... we did it last minute so we don even noe if we could be sucessful.. nvm.. today life was alright..school past very quickly and we watched the total defence concert too.. it was alright.. it was quite nice with soo teck performing.. ya i some sort of skipped lunch and went for npcc.. then is pds.. the thing that cause me to disappoint in myself.. i'm totally useless... i noe.. i'm a totally bad nco to be.. i'm a stupid and useless senior.. a disappointing pds ic.. i'm sorry. to humaira, masdiyanah and sze jin..

i'm so sorry... i had no choice too... i so sorry... i regret too.. i shouldn't have done so.. noe u all train hard but i'm force.. if i have a choice i rather be the one to be kick out of pds.. i will never even consider u all.. i'm really sorry guys.. i feel so bad and sad that sze jin diao me right in the face and that she is angry.. the other two of them too.. they are angry and diao me too.. i think i deserve all that treatment.. i'm not a god senior and i'm not a good friend... i'm just so sorry everyone...

diao me all u wan. i deserve that... i really deserve that.. haiz.. i'm just so disappointed and useless.. ilhammi hurt his back too.. i can do nothing.. i can do nothing when my god bro is injured... haiz.. nvm.. i can't be anything.. i just such a failure.. no matter being a senior, an ic, a friend or even a god sis... haiz.. i can't do anything right.. nvm.. i'm just a useless brat.. hiz.. sorry everyone.. my penknife is out.. i'm just too.. sad and disappointed...... nvm.. so worried for ilhammi.. wonder if he is better now.. nvm... take care everyone.. crying now... i'm just so weak...

sorry for all the unpleasant thing cause... totally sorry!!

signing off <33
Thursday, February 17, 2005

hmm... it's been days snce i have blog.. life alright... been enjoying it so far.. ok.. on the first day of the chinese new year.. i help my mom, bro and dad.. which simply is my whole family to dye their hair..it was fun.. being able to play around with their hair.. ti was a great success too.. all their hair so nice *envy*... coz i can't dy my hair.. hmprh! so unfair.. should allow me to dye also ma.. ok ok..

ya then we prepare ourslef have some porridge as lunch aand set off... to my hongbaos.. haha.. first stop i went to my ah ma's house.. all my aunts and uncles were there so recieve alot of hongbaos.. then i saw charles. gave ime a hug follow by a handshake.. he was quiet after all that.. tok to him then i found that he and his galfriend got some problem.. haiz.. so i be his listening ear for a long time.. then finally i manage to cheer him up and the made him laugh.. then one of my uncles came and his son.. haha so funny.. he came in wanting a hug from me.. i refuse.. then he say why i hug charles nv hug him.. i was like diao.. so may ppl looking at me sia.. so pai se... then i say i and charles closer ma.. although not closer than my god bro... then finally he give up... a hug can mean alot to everyone... including me ^_^... a hug.. can mean a better friendship/relationship.. and can mean a way of comfort for me.. haha.. then we went alot of places. i lazy to type.. need to go school too..

gonna see the concert.. ilhammi and lionel they all coming back o school.. i think so.. also not confirm.. nvm.. hope today will be a better day..

signing off <33
Friday, February 11, 2005

hiaz.. i don noe y but i have been having weird dreams recently... it's those really weird one.. haha.. one of it is i dreamt that i got killed.. by my own brother.. opps.. sorry is god bro.. ya.. i dreamt that he killed me with a sword... a real sword i mean.. by the sea of labrador.. i noe it's a bit ridiculous.. but it is just so weird.. i don noe why i have this kind of dream too.. ut maybe it may turn into truth.. being killed by the sword of him... haiz.. maybe i'm thinking too much but to say the truth all e dreamz i have recently is dream of me dying... in all kind of ways... but with most of my good friends in the dream and my god bro too.. they are the ppl in my dream that killed me.. haiz..

nvm.. maybe i deserved to get killed by them.. haha... i deserve to die... i want to die too.. leaving this world of troubles and worries and of course STRESS... chinese new year coiming soon... i cut my hair.. kana force by my mom... cut until so short.. terrible.. so ugly.. haiz.. wat the fuck... should not have go and cut my hair.. idiot!!! haiz.. it's like i'm not in the mood for cny though.. feel kinda moody.. cutting myself? ya sometime.. but don worry.. i will be alright.. haven't been doing my homework too.. been like standing for all my subjects?... ya.. i don feel like doing though.. it's like.. hiaz.. just don feel like doing.. my headphones were spoilt.. haiz.. my one and only headphone.. luckily ilhammi got extra.. haha.. or else i will die one... coz no music.. haha... thats the good thing of having a loving god bro... haha... i have been eating alot of mc flurry nowadays.. omg..

thats wat my mom nagging at too.. i have a weird habit.. an expensive one too.. haiz... i like to buy a mc flurry whenever i am feeling moody or unwell.. and no ones noe this except for alex.. and whenever i go out with him.. he will buy me one.. so sweet right.. haha... i dunno... just love mc flurry so much... ok i'm tire... hope i don have any weird dreamz tonite.. good nite.. take care

signing off <33
Tuesday, February 08, 2005

tire.. so tire.. ok today.. it was quite ook.. quite slack though and the day just past very quickly..

morning i woke up.. go to school myself.. again. so sian and lonely.. i went to 7-11 to buy some chocolates and went to school.. then the days pass and school finish.. we had a class meeting.. and decided the class identity and stuff..

then after that i went to find ilhammi and initially want to have lunch but he told me he had eaten.. i don quite believe though.. coz i got a feeling is he never bring cash.. so we went to walk aorund northpoint.. meeting naresh and jason coincidencly.. joke around and went back to school.. ilhammi enter school to tok to a few teachers and he went off.. i change into my half uniform and went to fall in.. then went for pds..

learn new stunts.. and debrief was held..i really hope the npcc cadet could accept the ncc although i have quite a no. of tok with them i still don noe how they feel... haiz.. i dunno.. stress.. we have only learn 3 stunts and it is going be the rehearsal soon... haiz.. i dunno wat to do.. we had to come out with the formation and stuff by next next mon..

then after pds i went back to npcc.. we waited for dismissal parade.. then we were told to select chairman and vice chairman for r.o.d night.. i had to urge to volunteer myself to be.. but i was afraid to.. i afraid that i will not be able to lead my squatmates well.. i am afraid.. so i deceided to let my squatmates vote.. i hope i could be voted so as to be assured that i have the support from my own squatmates.. i dunno.. if it is other ppl.. i also don mind giving them a chance.. ok. then after that i went home..

i skipped my dinner and went to chat around with ppl.. having tuition tml.. at 9am to 12pm.. doesn't matter.. then i going work from 1 to 3.30m.. guess it is going to be a tiring day.. so tires.. i wanna sleep.. ZzZz.. ok gonna cut my hair too.. i dunno.. loads of thing in my mind.. gonna go sleep.. good nitez...

signing off <33
Saturday, February 05, 2005

haiz... been so damn tire for this past few days. wat the hell.. fuck. why must all e teachers give so much homework.. why must there be such thing call cca.. why am i chosen to be the pds ic.. why must i be a camp leader.. why? why? why? anyone can tell me..

i'm totally stressed out.. no one can help me.. haiz.. today i went for my camp training again.. it's tiring.. imagine standing under the hot sun for 3 whole hours.. i tried the challenge pole today.. which we had to climb up a pole and jump and grapped a pole which was around 1 to 2 metres away.. i tried to grapped but the pole was too oily and i slipped.. the full body harness then cut my neck.. it was painful but i try my best not to let anyone noe.. it's painful.. i'm o disapointed in myself that i did not get to grapped the pole.. but i've already try my best.. is that just a word to comfort myself? i dunno maybe?.. just disapointed..

went back to school.. i have to go back to npcc.. but i'm damn tire lor.. but still have to do.. i went for pds.. being the ic.. it was so tiring.. real tiring.. furthermore it is a combine pds with ncc..some of our npcc cadets just can't seem to accept the ncc ics that are training and i have to tok to them very often.. they always feel that they are treated very unfairly or that they are very strict but.. and they always complain to me.. i have to tok to them telling them reasons and stuff.. i noe.. they are tired.. training.. but i'm tire too.. i'm very tire.. i feel like crying being so stressed up.. really very tire.. but... i have to calm my npcc people down.. i have to motivate them.. but who will motivate me? they complain and grumble to me.. but who can i grumble and complain to? me myself.. the answer.. i can only comfort myself and tell myslef i have to be strong and i muz not give up or cry.. thats how i survive.. but i dunno how long i can remain like this.. i dunno.. i really dunno.. i have to wear a smiley mask in front of my people in order to motivate and cheer them up.. but who will wear a smiley mask for me to brighten up my day.. the only people that always motivate me is jeremy and malcolm.. i'm glad to have them as a friend.. haiz.. i'm really tire.. mentally.. i'm not strong like how other ppl see me as.. i'm not.. i feel like screaming and crying out.. but i can't.. i have to stay strong.. i always tell myself..

argh!!!!!!!!!!!! i wanna die.. why can't i just leave this world of worries and troubles and die peacefully.. i wanna die!!!!!!!! so many problems in pds!!! so many homework!!!!!!!!! it's killing me!!!!!!!!!!!! i ca't stand it any further!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ok..

after npcc i went home.. met ilhammi on e way.. saw candy and the cold eyes of her somekind of pissed me off.. i was in a bad mood and was tire.. seeing her.. i dunno wat to say too.. then i go off.. still pissed off by her.. just feel that she just couldn't accept me as ilhammi's god-sis.. it's alright actually.. i expected that.. since she's ilhammi's galfriend.. i can understand.. so i guess i just have to try to stay away from this couple....... it's alright.. the jouney home was a tire one.. lonely one.. and quite one too.. reach home, i skipped my dinner.. came to y room and online for a long period of time.. i'm in a bad mood.. very.. injured my hand too.. guess it would be in a bandage.. i dunno.. pain.. i'm really tire now.. not gonna sleep.. coz i'm mentally tire and stressed out thats all.. take care evryone..

signing off <33
Thursday, February 03, 2005